KIRO’S STORY / CHAPTER 20 OF 36
Else
by hasira · about 11 min read
A few days after Kiro's very loud day alone, Susie asked if he wanted coffee.
Kiro agreed.
Technically.
Susie had actual coffee.
Kiro had grain coffee.
Warm.
Light.
With a lot of milk.
Close enough.
Most importantly, no caffeine.
Susie looked at his cup.
“Still pretending that's coffee?”
Kiro took a drink.
“It tastes like coffee.”
“It absolutely doesn't”
“It tastes close enough without trying to fucking kill me.”
“Caffeine isn't trying to kill you.”
“My heart disagrees.”
Susie smiled.
Kiro pointed at her cup.
“That's anxiety with foam.”
“It's coffee.”
“Same thing.”
Cold wind moved through the street.
Wet leaves scraped along the pavement.
They had been sitting outside the café for almost an hour.
Talking about nothing important.
Music.
Rin.
Some old movie Susie thought was good.
Her dying plant.
“It’s alive.”
“It has one leaf.”
“That's enough.”
“It's brown.”
“Mostly green.”
Kiro stared at her.
Susie took another sip.
“It's trying.”
“It's decomposing.”
She kicked his shoe lightly under the table.
Kiro smiled.
Then someone stopped beside them.
“Susie?”
She looked up.
Her expression changed immediately.
Surprise.
Then recognition.
“Oh, shit. Hey.”
Kiro turned.
A dog stood beside the table.
Brown fur.
Denim jacket.
Around their age.
Maybe a little older.
He smiled at Susie.
She stood.
They hugged.
Something tightened inside Kiro's stomach.
Small.
Immediate.
Okay.
“So you still exist.”
Susie laughed.
“Barely.”
“Haven't seen you in forever.”
“Yeah. It's been a while.”
Kiro looked down at his grain coffee.
Nothing was happening.
Friends hugged.
Susie had hugged him.
He'd hugged her.
Normal.
Susie looked toward him.
“Kiro, this is Jamie.”
Kiro looked up.
Jamie offered his paw.
“Hey.”
Kiro shook it.
“Hi.”
“Jamie and I used to work together.”
“Years ago.”
Susie smiled.
“Unfortunately.”
“Fuck you.”
She pushed his arm.
Jamie laughed.
Kiro smiled too.
A little.
Then they started talking about a concert.
Some small place downtown.
Some band Kiro didn't know.
Susie did.
Apparently Jamie did too.
Kiro listened.
At first.
Then they started mentioning people he didn't know.
Old coworkers.
Places they'd gone after work.
Something stupid that happened years ago.
Susie laughed.
Jamie laughed.
Kiro took another drink.
They've known each other longer.
His ears lowered slightly.
So?
Exactly.
So fucking what?
Susie had friends.
A life.
Memories that had nothing to do with him.
Obviously.
Jamie leaned against the empty chair beside her.
Susie was still smiling.
Kiro watched them.
Maybe they were together.
His eyes moved away.
Stop.
Jamie said something else.
Susie laughed harder.
Kiro's paws tightened around his cup.
Maybe he likes her.
Something hot moved through Kiro's chest.
Not panic.
Not exactly anger.
Something uglier.
He hated it immediately.
What if she likes him?
Kiro swallowed.
Jamie touched Susie's shoulder while laughing.
Barely a second.
Nothing.
Kiro stared.
His claws pressed lightly into the cardboard sleeve.
Then harder.
He noticed.
Relaxed them immediately.
Don't.
Susie wasn't his.
The thought came fast.
Clear.
Obvious.
She wasn't his.
She could talk to whoever she wanted.
Hug whoever she wanted.
Date whoever she wanted.
Sleep with whoever she wanted.
None of that belonged to Kiro.
None of it.
So why did he want Jamie to leave?
Kiro's stomach twisted.
Fuck.
Then another memory surfaced.
Not his father.
Not yet.
A screen.
Years ago.
A message.
Sorry, I don't have the energy today.
Kiro blinked.
The café stayed around him.
Susie was still talking.
But the memory stayed too.
Another message.
Different day.
Maybe later?
Kiro remembered saying it was okay.
Always okay.
Of course.
No pressure.
Take your time.
Then opening Discord three minutes later.
Seeing her there.
In voice chat.
With him.
Evan.
Talking.
Laughing.
Kiro stared at his cup.
No.
Susie's voice faded slightly.
Another memory.
I'm tired today.
Kiro replying:
It's okay. Rest.
Then Evan again.
Another evening.
Another refusal.
Another gray icon beside her name.
Another voice channel.
Always with him.
Kiro's breathing changed.
Barely.
Susie didn't notice yet.
Jamie did something with his paws while telling another story.
Kiro wasn't hearing any of it.
He remembered waiting.
Every day.
Maybe tonight.
Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe this weekend.
Just one call.
One movie.
One game.
Like before.
Do you wanna watch something tonight?
Sorry.
Maybe tomorrow?
We'll see.
Then:
Goodnight
Sometimes:
I love you.
Sometimes not even that.
Kiro's stomach hurt.
He pressed one paw against it beneath the table.
Stop.
Then his father's voice entered too.
Because of course it did.
“Who the fuck were you talking to?”
Kiro froze.
His mother somewhere in their room.
“He's just someone from work.”
“Don't fucking lie to me.”
Kiro's claws came out.
He hid both paws under the table.
No.
His father checking where she'd been.
Who she saw.
Why she smiled.
Why she took too long.
Why somebody had messaged her.
Jealous.
Angry.
Making it everybody else's problem.
Kiro stared at Susie.
Jamie was still beside her.
Still doing nothing wrong.
Susie was doing nothing wrong.
Except him.
You're jealous.
“No.”
Susie glanced over.
“What?”
Kiro looked up too quickly.
“Nothing.”
She watched him.
A little longer this time.
Jamie continued talking.
Kiro barely heard him.
You're doing it again.
His claw pressed into his palm.
Small pain.
Simple.
Clear.
Stop.
He pressed harder.
You did this before.
Kiro's expression changed.
“No.”
Quiet.
Nobody heard.
The old messages kept coming.
I miss you.
I know.
Can we just talk for a little?
Not today.
Then seeing her in voice chat with Evan.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Weeks.
Months.
Kiro asking less because every answer hurt.
Then finally breaking.
Telling her he felt alone.
Telling her he missed her.
Telling her he didn't understand what had changed.
That he wasn't asking her to stop talking to anyone.
He just wanted some time with her too.
Just something.
Anything.
And her answer.
Kiro remembered that one perfectly.
I feel overwhelmed.
I need a break from talking and playing with people.
Kiro had stared at it.
Typed:
okay.
I understand
Three minutes later.
Voice channel.
Evan.
Kiro's eyes burned.
He blinked hard.
Not here.
Not now.
Jamie touched Susie's shoulder again.
That ugly feeling returned.
Hotter.
Make him leave.
Kiro's ears flattened.
“No.”
Susie heard that one.
“Kiro?”
He looked at her.
She frowned.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
Too fast.
Jamie looked at him too.
Kiro hated that.
He hated all of this.
The jealousy.
The memories.
Being watched.
Wanting Susie's attention back.
Especially that one.
Some horrible little part of him was relieved she was looking at him instead of Jamie now.
Kiro felt sick.
Just like him.
His father.
No.
Worse.
Her.
His ex.
Another memory.
Kiro trying to explain that he needed something too.
That he wasn't doing well.
That he missed her.
That he'd been trying for months.
Then the answer.
That's your problem.
Kiro stopped breathing.
The café disappeared for a half second.
Only the screen remained.
Her words.
You pushed me away.
His chest tightened.
This is because of you.
Kiro's eyes filled immediately.
He looked down.
No.
No, no, no.
Not here.
Susie noticed.
“Kiro?”
He wiped one eye quickly.
“Fuck.”
Jamie stopped talking.
Susie leaned slightly toward him.
“Hey.”
Kiro stood.
Too fast.
The chair scraped loudly against the pavement.
“I'm sorry.”
Susie blinked.
“What?”
“I'm sorry.”
Kiro grabbed his cup.
His paw was shaking badly now.
“Kiro, what's wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“You're crying.”
“I know.”
He wiped his face again.
It only made it worse.
The tears kept coming.
Silent.
Immediate.
Like his body had skipped asking permission.
Jamie stepped back.
Susie stood.
“Kiro.”
She moved slightly closer.
Kiro stepped away.
Her expression changed.
He saw it.
That hurt too.
“I'm sorry.”
“For what?”
He shook his head.
“You don't know.”
“Then tell me.”
“I can't.”
His voice broke.
Susie stopped moving.
Kiro looked at her.
Actually looked.
And for one horrible second he saw another person instead.
A screen.
A name.
Someone he'd loved.
Someone who had loved him too.
Maybe.
He didn't know anymore.
You pushed me away.
Kiro backed up another step.
“I can't do this again.”
Susie's ears lowered.
“Do what again?”
Kiro shook his head harder.
“I can't.”
“Kiro. I don't understand.”
“I know.”
His chest hurt.
His whole body felt full of electricity.
Run.
That was the only clear thought left.
Get away.
Before he says something.
Before he asks for too much.
Before he becomes angry.
Before Susie starts feeling trapped.
Before she looks at him one day and tells him the same thing.
You pushed me away.
Kiro looked at Jamie.
Then Susie.
“I'm sorry.”
He turned.
“Kiro, wait.”
He started walking.
Fast.
Behind him:
“Kiro.”
Faster.
Footsteps followed.
“Kiro, fucking wait.”
Kiro's breathing broke.
He started running.
Not jogging.
Running.
Full speed.
The street blurred.
Someone shouted when he almost ran into them.
Kiro moved around them without stopping.
“Kiro!”
Susie's voice farther behind.
He didn't turn.
Couldn't.
His heart hammered against his ribs.
Not panic.
Adrenaline.
Too much.
His legs moved before his thoughts could catch them.
Wet pavement.
Leaves.
Crosswalk.
A car horn.
Kiro jumped backward just enough to miss the front of the car.
The driver shouted something.
Kiro didn't hear it.
He ran again.
His lungs started burning.
His paws hurt.
His throat became dry.
Still he ran.
You did this.
“No.”
He pushed harder.
You got jealous.
“I know.”
You needed too much.
“Shut up!”
You pushed her away.
Kiro's vision blurred.
He couldn't tell if it was tears or wind.
Probably both.
Now you're doing it again.
“No.”
He nearly slipped on wet leaves.
Caught himself against a fence.
Kept running.
His house wasn't close.
It didn't matter.
He could run the entire fucking way.
So he did.
Susie stopped after two blocks.
Not because she wanted to.
Because she realized chasing him was making him run harder.
“Kiro!”
Nothing.
He disappeared around another corner.
Susie stood there breathing heavily.
Her paws shook.
Jamie had followed part of the way but stopped behind her.
“What the fuck happened?”
Susie stared at the empty street.
“I don't know.”
She pulled out her phone.
Called.
Kiro didn't answer.
Again.
Nothing.
Jamie moved closer.
“Should we...”
“I don't know.”
Susie ended the call.
Her thumb hovered over the keyboard.
Then she typed.
kiro
Send.
Another.
I'm not angry
She stared at the screen.
Then:
you don't have to explain anything right now
A pause.
just tell me when you're home
No answer.
Susie looked toward the direction he'd disappeared.
Jamie stood quietly beside her now.
After a moment he asked:
“Was that because of me?”
Susie rubbed her face.
“I don't know.”
“Did I do something?”
“No.”
She looked at him.
“No. I don't think so.”
Jamie nodded slowly.
Neither of them really knew what else to say.
Susie looked at her phone again.
Nothing.
She didn't send another message.
Not yet.
Kiro reached home barely able to breathe.
His paws shook so badly he missed the lock twice.
“Come on.”
The key scraped against the door.
Again.
“Fuck.”
Finally.
Click.
Kiro stumbled inside.
Slammed the door.
Locked it.
Then dropped against it.
His legs gave out.
He sat on the floor.
Chest heaving.
Sweat beneath his fur.
Tears still running down his face.
For several seconds, there were no thoughts.
Just breathing.
Hard.
Painful.
His heart.
His legs.
His lungs.
Then everything came back.
Jamie touched Susie.
Susie smiling.
His father.
His mother.
His ex.
Evan.
Discord.
Months of watching them together.
Months of telling himself not to be controlling.
Not to be jealous.
Not to ask too much.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Until he'd finally asked for something.
And she'd told him it was his fault.
Kiro covered his face.
“I'm sorry.”
Nobody there.
“I'm so sorry.”
His phone vibrated.
Kiro froze.
He didn't want to look.
It vibrated again.
Then stopped.
He slowly pulled it from his pocket.
Susie.
kiro
His throat tightened.
Next message.
I'm not angry
Kiro stared.
His eyes blurred again.
“No.”
Then:
you don't have to explain anything right now
And finally:
just tell me when you're home
Kiro pressed the phone against his forehead.
A sob escaped him.
Small.
Broken.
She'll leave too.
“No.”
You already fucked up.
“Stop!”
Same as before.
Kiro squeezed his eyes shut.
This is because of you.
His ex's words.
Perfectly clear.
Years later.
Still there.
Kiro opened Susie's chat.
His thumbs shook over the keyboard.
He typed:
I'bn sorru
Stopped.
Deleted it.
Typed again:
home
He stared at it.
Send.
The reply came quickly.
okay
Then:
thank you
Nothing else.
Kiro waited.
Three dots didn't appear.
No questions.
No accusation.
No demand that he explain himself.
Nothing.
Susie had wanted to know he was safe.
That was all.
Kiro stared at the screen.
His breathing slowly changed.
Still rough.
But slower.
He leaned his head back against the door.
The house was completely quiet.
His lungs hurt.
His chest hurt.
His palms too.
Kiro looked down.
Small claw marks.
Nothing serious.
Still enough.
He turned his paws over.
His father's paws came into his mind.
Always pointing.
Always grabbing.
Always making his fear belong to somebody else.
Then another memory.
His own paws years ago.
Typing.
can we spend some time together?
Not telling her to leave Evan.
Not threatening.
Not accusing.
Just asking.
And still:
You pushed me away.
Kiro closed his eyes.
He didn't know what was true anymore.
Only what it had felt like.
And what it still felt like now.
His phone stayed in his paw.
Susie's message remained on the screen.
I'm not angry
Kiro read it again.
Then again.
His mouth trembled.
“I'm so fucking sorry.”
This time he didn't send it.
He just sat against the door until his breathing finally stopped hurting.