KIRO’S STORY / CHAPTER 21 OF 36
Floor
by hasira · about 13 min read
Kiro didn't answer Susie's last message.
Not immediately.
Then not for an hour.
Then two.
At first, she left it alone.
He had asked for space without actually asking for space.
She understood enough.
Mostly.
By evening, she checked again.
Nothing.
No alive.
No stupid comment.
No insult about her plant.
Nothing.
Susie stared at their chat.
Typed:
You okay?
Waited.
No answer.
Another twenty minutes.
kiro
Nothing.
She called.
It rang until it stopped.
Susie sat on the edge of her bed.
Looked at the time.
Then called again.
Still nothing.
Her stomach tightened.
She remembered him running.
The road.
The horn.
The way he had looked at her before leaving.
Not angry.
Terrified.
“Fuck.”
Susie grabbed her jacket.
Kiro's house was dark.
Almost.
One small light was on somewhere inside.
Susie stood at the front door and knocked.
“Kiro?”
Nothing.
She waited.
Knocked harder.
“Kiro, it's me.”
Silence.
Her ears lowered.
“Kiro?”
She pulled out her phone.
Called again.
Through the window, somewhere inside the house, she heard something vibrate.
Then stop.
Susie looked through the glass.
At first she saw nothing.
Couch.
Coffee table.
One lamp.
Then lower.
Near the floor.
Something orange-brown.
Her stomach dropped.
“Kiro.”
She knocked against the window.
No movement.
“Kiro!”
Nothing.
Susie ran around the side of the house.
Back door.
She grabbed the handle.
It opened.
Of course it fucking opened.
“Kiro?”
She stepped inside.
The smell reached her first.
Alcohol.
Not overwhelming.
But enough.
Wrong.
She had never smelled it on him before, even on Rin's birthday.
“Kiro?”
Living room.
One bottle on the floor.
Another glass nearby.
Kiro lay on his side beside the couch.
Still.
Susie's heart stopped for one horrible second.
Then she saw his chest move.
Slow breath.
Another.
“Oh, thank fuck.”
She rushed closer.
Then stopped.
Something was lying beside him.
Black.
Metal.
Gun.
Susie froze.
Everything inside her went cold.
“No.”
Kiro's paw was nowhere near it.
He was asleep.
Or unconscious.
She couldn't tell.
Susie moved carefully.
She got the weapon away from him first.
Far away.
Out of reach.
Only then did she kneel beside him.
“Kiro.”
She touched his shoulder.
Nothing.
“Kiro.”
Harder.
His face tightened slightly.
Susie exhaled shakily.
“Kiro, wake up.”
He made a quiet sound.
Not a word.
His ears moved.
Then his eyes opened.
Barely.
Confused.
He stared at the floor.
Then Susie.
“...What?”
Her chest hurt.
“Hi.”
Kiro blinked slowly.
“Susie?”
“Yeah.”
He looked around.
Like he didn't recognize the room at first.
Then he did.
His expression changed.
Not fear.
Not yet.
Just exhaustion.
“What are you doing here?”
“You weren't answering.”
“Oh.”
Kiro closed his eyes again.
Susie immediately touched his shoulder.
“No, stay awake.”
His eyes opened.
“I'm awake.”
“Not convincingly.”
Kiro tried to sit up.
His arm slipped.
Susie caught him before his head hit the couch.
“Easy.”
“I'm fine.”
“No.”
The answer came sharper than she meant.
Kiro stopped.
Susie looked at him.
Really looked.
His fur was messy.
Eyes red.
Face tired.
His breath smelled faintly of alcohol.
Kiro followed her eyes toward the bottle.
His ears lowered.
“...Yeah.”
Susie's voice became quieter.
“You drink now?”
“No.”
Kiro started at the floor.
“I don't.”
“You did.”
“I know.”
He rubbed his face.
His movements were slow.
Not completely drunk.
Not sober either.
Somewhere ugly between the two.
Susie stayed beside him.
“What happened?”
Kiro laughed once.
Very quietly.
“I don't know.”
“Kiro.”
“I don't.”
His eyes moved around the room.
Then stopped.
He saw where the gun had been.
Saw that it wasn't there anymore.
Everything changed.
His body went still.
Susie noticed.
“Kiro.”
He looked at her.
For the first time, something like fear appeared.
“Where is it?”
“Not near you.”
He swallowed.
“I wasn't...”
His voice stopped.
Susie waited.
Kiro looked down.
“I wasn't going to.”
She didn't answer immediately.
Kiro's paws started shaking.
“I don't think I was.”
That was worse.
Susie's face tightened.
Kiro covered his eyes.
“Fuck.”
His breathing changed.
Not panic yet.
Close.
“I don't know.”
Susie stayed still.
Didn't touch him.
Not until he moved closer himself.
Kiro's voice came muffled through his paws.
“I bought it a long time ago.”
Susie looked toward where she'd moved it.
“Why?”
Kiro lowered his hands.
His eyes were unfocused.
“I was scared.”
“Of what?”
A pause.
“My dad.”
Susie's expression changed.
Kiro stared at nothing.
“He didn't know where I lived.”
Another pause.
“I think.”
His mouth twisted.
“That was the problem.”
Susie stayed quiet.
Kiro rubbed one paw over the other.
“I kept thinking maybe he'd find out.”
His eyes dropped.
“Maybe he'd show up.”
“So you bought it.”
Kiro nodded.
“Yeah.”
He looked sick saying it.
“I never told anyone.”
“Rin?”
“No.”
“Nobody?”
Kiro shook his head.
Susie breathed out slowly.
Then looked at the bottle.
“And tonight?”
Kiro went very still.
His eyes started watering.
He looked away immediately.
“I don't know.”
Susie didn't let him escape the question.
Not completely.
“Did you take it out because you were scared of your dad?”
Silence.
Kiro's jaw tightened.
“No.”
Susie waited.
Kiro stared at the floor.
Than, quieter.
“I was scared of myself.”
Susie's expression changed.
Kiro swallowed.
“I didn't trust my head anymore.”
His paws started shaking again.
“I kept thinking about things I didn't want to think about.”
A pause.
“And I knew where it was.”
He looked toward where the gun had been.
“So I took it out.”
Susie went completely still.
Kiro immediately shook his head.
“I don't know why.”
His voice cracked.
“I don't know if I wanted to do something or if I just...”
He pressed both paws against his face.
“Fuck.”
A broken breath.
“I think I wanted to know it was there.”
Susie stayed quiet.
Kiro lowered his paws again.
His eyes went wet.
“And then that scared me even more.”
He looked at her.
Really looked at her.
“Because I was the reason it was there.”
Susie's throat tightened.
Kiro looked away.
“I wasn't scared someone was going to hurt me.”
A pause.
“I was scared I might.”
Silence.
The room suddenly felt too small.
Susie looked toward the alcohol.
Then toward the other side of the room.
Then back at Kiro.
“Did you want to die?”
Kiro froze.
His mouth opened.
Nothing came out.
He looked down.
Susie waited.
Finally:
“I don't know.”
His voice shook.
“I really don't fucking know.”
A tear moved down his face.
“I didn't...”
He swallowed.
“I didn't do anything.”
Susie stayed quiet.
“It was just there.”
Kiro wiped his face.
“Beside me.”
His breathing became uneven.
“And I kept thinking.”
“About what?”
Kiro laughed weakly.
“Everything.”
His father.
The kitchen.
His mother.
His ex.
Jamie.
Susie.
Rin.
Himself.
Kiro rubbed both paws over his face.
“I drank because I wanted my head to shut up.”
A pause.
“It didn't.”
Susie looked at the bottle again.
“How much?”
“Not much.”
Kiro shrugged weakly.
“Enough.”
He looked embarrassed.
“I hate alcohol.”
“I know.”
“I still fucking drank it.”
Susie didn't answer.
Kiro's eyes started filling again.
“I kept thinking about yesterday.”
The café.
Jamie.
That feeling.
Running.
His ex.
Things Susie still didn't understand.
Kiro stared at his paws.
“I kept thinking I was going to fuck this up.”
“Kiro...”
“I always do.”
“No.”
His expression tightened.
“You don't know that.”
“Neither do you.”
He looked at her.
Susie held his eyes.
Kiro's mouth trembled.
“I like you.”
The words came out before he could stop them.
Silence.
Kiro froze.
Susie did too.
His ears slowly lowered.
“Fuck.”
He looked away.
“No.”
“Kiro.”
“I shouldn't have said this.”
“Why?”
“Because that's the fucking problem.”
He tried to stand.
His legs disagreed immediately.
Susie caught his arm.
“Sit down.”
He stopped.
He had no idea what he needed.
His knees gave up.
He sat again.
Kiro stared at the floor.
“I like you.”
Quieter this time.
Almost ashamed.
“And fucking hate that I do.”
Susie's ears lowered.
Kiro immediately looked at her.
“Not because of you.”
“I know.”
“No, I mean...”
He rubbed his face.
“I don't want it to turn into something bad.”
His voice began breaking apart.
“I don't want to get jealous.”
A pause.
“I don't want to need too much.”
Another.
“I don't want you to start feeling like you have to explain where you are.”
Susie watched him.
“Or who you're talking to.”
His paws tightened.
“Or fucking reassure me every time somebody looks at you.”
His breathing caught.
“I don't want to be him.”
His father.
He didn't need to say it.
Susie understood.
“And yesterday...”
Kiro swallowed.
“Jamie didn't even do anything.”
“No.”
“You didn't do anything.”
“No.”
“And I still wanted him gone.”
He looked sick saying it.
“I hated that.”
Susie stayed quiet.
“I thought maybe...”
His voice disappeared.
He tried again.
“Maybe that's how it starts.”
Susie's expression changed.
“Feeling something ugly.”
Kiro looked down.
“Then making it somebody else's problem.”
A tear dropped onto his paw.
“I don't want to hurt you.”
Susie looked toward the place where the gun had been.
Then back at him.
“And you?”
Kiro blinked.
“What?”
“You keep talking about everyone else.”
Her voice stayed quiet.
“What about you?”
Kiro looked away.
That was enough.
Susie's jaw tightened.
“If you don't want to hurt people, you don't get to pretend you don't count.”
Kiro gave a tired laugh.
“Doesn't really feel the same.”
“It is to me.”
He looked at her.
Susie seemed to realize what she'd said only after it was already out.
Neither spoke.
Kiro's ears moved slightly.
Then his eyes dropped again.
“I've done this before.”
Susie frowned.
“What?”
“Not...”
Kiro glanced toward the other side of the room.
“Not this.”
He rubbed one paw against his jeans.
“The jealousy.”
A pause.
“There was someone.”
Susie stayed quiet.
“My ex.”
The word seemed difficult for him.
Kiro swallowed.
“I really liked her.”
Another pause.
“Loved her, probably.”
He stared at the floor.
“And I thought...”
His face tightened.
“I thought I fucked everything up.”
Susie watched him.
Kiro shook his head.
“I can't talk about it right now.”
“Okay.”
The answer came immediately.
Kiro looked at her.
“That's it?”
“Yeah.”
“You don't want to know?”
“I do.”
Susie shrugged slightly.
“But you just said you can't.”
Kiro went quiet.
That seemed to affect him more than the question would have.
He looked down again.
“She told me it was my fault.”
Susie's expression changed.
Kiro continued before she could say anything.
“That's all I can...”
His voice broke.
“That's all I can do right now.”
“Okay.”
Kiro wiped his eyes.
“I believed her.”
A pause.
“I still think I do.”
Susie didn't tell him he was wrong.
She didn't know enough yet.
Instead:
“Then tell me someday.”
Kiro looked at her.
“When you can.”
His mouth trembled.
He nodded.
Small.
“Okay.”
For a while, neither of them spoke.
Then Susie looked toward the bottle.
“Why didn't you call me?”
Kiro laughed once.
“After yesterday?”
“Yeah.”
“I ran away from you.”
“I noticed.”
“I cried in front of you because some guy touched your shoulder.”
“You were crying about more than that.”
Kiro looked away.
“Still.”
Susie watched him.
“You could've called.”
Kiro's expression tightened.
“No.”
“Why?”
His answer took a while.
“Because I like you.”
Susie blinked.
Kiro stared at his paws.
“And when I like someone, everything gets...”
He gestured helplessly.
“Too much.”
A pause.
“I get scared of telling people what I feel.”
“Why?”
Kiro laughed weakly.
No humor in it.
“Because feelings hurt people.”
Susie's ears lowered.
Kiro continued.
“I tell someone I miss them.”
“Then I'm needy.”
“I tell someone something hurts.”
“Then I'm controlling.”
“I say I'm scared they're leaving.”
“Then I'm the reason they leave.”
His voice became smaller.
“So sometimes it's easier to just...”
He stopped.
Susie looked at him.
“Disappear?”
Kiro didn't answer.
Susie's eyes moved again toward the other side of the room.
Her voice changed.
“That wasn't easier.”
Kiro looked at her.
“For who?”
“For me.”
Silence.
Susie's eyes were wet now.
Kiro noticed immediately.
His expression collapsed.
“I'm sorry.”
“I know.”
She wiped one eye.
“And I'm still pissed.”
Kiro stared.
Susie's voice shook.
“I looked through your window and thought you were dead.”
His ears flattened.
“I'm...”
“Don't.”
Kiro stopped.
“Don't apologize again for five seconds.”
He closed his mouth.
Susie breathed in.
Slow.
Then out.
“I'm not angry because you like me.”
Kiro looked at her.
“I'm not angry because you got jealous.”
Another pause.
“I'm fucking terrified because I came here and found you asleep beside a loaded gun.”
Kiro looked down.
Susie swallowed.
“And you just told me you were scared of yourself.”
Her voice cracked slightly.
“Do you understand why that scares me?”
Kiro nodded.
Barely.
“Yeah.”
“No.”
Susie rubbed her face.
“You keep saying yeah like...”
She stopped.
Tried again.
“I don't want to come here one day and be too late.”
Kiro went completely still.
Susie looked at him.
Neither moved.
Then Kiro started crying again.
Quietly.
No panic.
No collapse.
Just tears.
“I don't know what I'm doing anymore.”
Susie's expression softened.
Kiro wiped his face.
“I don't know what I feel.”
A breath.
“I don't know if I'm scared.”
Another.
“Or jealous.”
“Or angry.”
He looked toward the floor.
“Or if I still miss somebody who treated me like shit.”
His breathing shook.
“I don't know if I'm actually a bad person or if somebody just told me that enough times.”
Susie stayed beside him.
Kiro looked at her.
“And I don't know how to like you.”
Her expression shifted.
Kiro immediately shook his head.
“No. That's not...”
He pressed his paw against his eyes.
“Fuck.”
Susie waited.
Kiro lowered them.
“I know I like you.”
A pause.
“I just don't know how to do that without being fucking terrified of it.”
There.
Nothing left to hide behind.
Susie looked down.
For once, she didn't have an immediate answer.
Kiro noticed.
“Great.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
He laughed weakly.
“I finally tell you and now you're thinking.”
“I am thinking.”
“That's horrifying.”
Despite everything, Susie's mouth moved slightly.
Then the smile disappeared.
“Kiro.”
His ears lowered.
“What?”
“I'm scared.”
He froze.
Susie looked toward the bottle.
Then away.
“Not because you like me.”
Kiro stopped breathing for a second.
Susie continued.
“Not because you were jealous.”
Her eyes met his.
“I'm scared because you were alone with that.”
Kiro looked down.
“I know.”
Susie sighed.
“Yeah.”
This time she let him say it.
A long silence followed.
Then Susie moved closer.
Not suddenly.
Enough that Kiro could move away if he wanted.
He didn't.
Their shoulders touched.
Kiro leaned against her almost immediately.
Barely.
Just weight.
Susie let him.
“I'm staying tonight.”
Kiro looked at her.
“You don't have to.”
“I know.”
Kiro swallowed.
“Okay.”
Susie looked at him.
“And tomorrow, we're figuring out what happens with that gun.”
Kiro's eyes moved toward the other side of the room.
He didn't argue.
“Okay.”
“And the alcohol.”
“I don't want it.”
“Good.”
Kiro rested his head against her shoulder.
For a while, neither spoke.
Then Susie said quietly:
“You said you like me.”
Kiro's eyes opened.
“Oh, fuck.”
Susie almost laughed.
Kiro covered his face.
“Can we not?”
“No.”
“Please.”
“No.”
His ears flattened.
Susie looked forward.
Her own face had gone slightly warm now.
“I don't know what I want to call this yet.”
Kiro slowly lowered his paws.
She continued.
“But...”
A pause.
Now Susie looked uncomfortable.
That was new.
“I like you too.”
Silence.
Kiro stared at her.
Susie glanced over.
“Don't make me say it again.”
His mouth opened.
Closed.
“...Okay.”
Susie frowned.
“That's all?”
“I've had a really fucking confusing day.”
“Fair.”
Kiro looked down.
His eyes started filling again.
Different this time.
Susie noticed.
Didn't mention it.
“I don't want to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“And I don't want you to feel responsible for me.”
Susie's expression changed.
“Good.”
Kiro looked at her.
“Good?”
“Yeah.”
She adjusted slightly beneath his weight.
“I'm staying because I want to.”
A pause.
“Not because you're my job.”
Kiro went quiet.
That sentence stayed.
Susie looked down at him.
“Understand?”
Kiro hesitated.
Then nodded.
“I'll try.”
“Good enough.”
His eyes became heavier.
The alcohol.
The running.
The crying.
Everything finally catching up.
Susie stayed beside him.
Kiro's breathing slowed.
Then slowed again.
He fell asleep against her shoulder.
Susie didn't move.
Not yet.
She looked across the room once.
Toward the thing she'd moved away from him.
Then at the bottle.
Then back at Kiro.
His face was finally quiet.
Susie rested her head lightly against his.
“I'm still fucking pissed at you.”
Kiro didn't respond.
She closed her eyes for a moment.
Then opened them again.
She wasn't sleeping yet.
Not while that thing was still in the house.
But Kiro was alive.
Right now.
That was enough for tonight.