KIRO’S STORY / CHAPTER 36 OF 36
Voice
by hasira · about 11 min read
Kiro was holding a cabinet door.
That was all.
Martin had decided one of the kitchen cabinets needed fixing because it had apparently been hanging slightly crooked for several months.
Kiro hadn't noticed.
Susie hadn't noticed.
Martin had.
So now Kiro was standing in the kitchen holding the cabinet door while Martin crouched beside him with a screwdriver.
Susie was in the living room.
Some old movie played quietly from the television.
Every few minutes Kiro could hear her moving around.
Normal afternoon.
Completely normal.
“Little higher.”
Kiro lifted the door.
“Like that?”
“Other side.”
Kiro adjusted it.
“No, your other side.”
“Oh.”
He moved it again.
Martin looked up.
“Yeah. There.”
Kiro held it still.
Martin tightened something.
Kiro watched his paws.
He didn't know why he felt nervous.
Nothing was happening.
Martin wasn't angry.
Wasn't even irritated.
Just fixing a fucking cabinet.
“Hold it there.”
“Yeah.”
Martin worked.
Kiro's arm started getting tired.
He ignored it.
A few seconds passed.
Then Martin stopped.
“You're dropping it.”
Kiro immediately lifted it.
“Sorry.”
“It's fine.”
Martin went back to the screw.
Kiro stared at the cabinet.
His paw was starting to shake slightly.
Stop.
It was heavy.
That was all.
“Little left.”
Kiro moved it.
“Too far.”
“Sorry.”
“Back.”
Kiro moved it back.
Martin looked up again.
“Kiro.”
His stomach tightened.
“What?”
“You're moving it every time I touch it.”
“Oh.”
“Just hold it still.”
“Sorry.”
Martin frowned slightly.
“You don't have to keep apologizing.”
Kiro looked at him.
Something about the sentence made his chest feel strange.
“I know.”
Martin returned to the hinge.
“Okay. Hold.”
Kiro did.
The screwdriver slipped.
Martin scraped loudly against metal.
Martin jerked his paw away.
“Fuck.”
Kiro flinched.
Hard.
The cabinet door dropped slightly.
Martin caught it with one paw.
“Kiro, hold it.”
“I am.”
“No, you're not. Higher.”
Kiro immediately lifted it.
His heart hit once.
Hard.
Martin didn't notice.
“More.”
Kiro lifted.
“Stop.”
He stopped.
Martin reached toward the hinge again.
Kiro's paw shook.
The cabinet moved.
“Kiro.”
“I'm sorry.”
“Just keep it still.”
“I am.”
“You're not.”
The words weren't cruel.
Martin wasn't shouting.
Not really.
But something inside Kiro changed.
Kitchen.
Male voice.
Mistake.
Again.
Again.
Again.
His father's voice arrived before the memory did.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Kiro blinked.
Martin was still there.
Older badger.
Gray eyes.
Screwdriver.
Not him.
Kiro swallowed.
“Sorry.”
Martin looked up.
“Kiro, seriously, it's okay. Just...”
He stood.
Too quickly.
Kiro's body reacted.
He stepped backward.
Martin stopped.
“What?”
Kiro stared at him.
For half a second, Martin's face wasn't Martin's anymore.
Black shape.
Broad shoulders.
Something in one paw.
Bottle.
No.
Screwdriver.
No.
Bottle.
Kiro blinked hard.
“Kiro?”
His heart started hammering.
“I'm fine.”
His fingers tingled.
Fuck.
Not here.
Not with him.
Martin put the screwdriver onto the counter.
“Sit down for a second.”
“No.”
“Kiro.”
That tone.
Not angry.
Firm.
Older.
Certain.
His stomach dropped.
“Sit the fuck down when I'm talking to you.”
Kiro backed away again.
His hip hit the counter.
“No.”
Martin froze.
“Okay.”
The kitchen stretched.
Just slightly.
The walls farther away.
Then closer.
Kiro stared at Martin.
Not Martin.
His father.
Martin.
Father.
Martin.
His breathing became faster.
“Kiro?”
“Don't.”
Martin lifted both paws slightly.
“I'm not doing anything.”
“I know.”
But Kiro didn't sound like he knew.
His chest burned.
One breath.
Another.
Another.
Too fast.
Martin's expression changed.
“Susie?”
Kiro's ears flattened.
“No.”
Martin looked toward the living room.
“Su.”
“No, don't...”
Kiro grabbed the edge of the counter.
His paws were numb now.
The kitchen was disappearing.
A bottle hit something.
His mother screamed from somewhere that wasn't here.
“You fucking useless idiot.”
“No.”
Martin took one careful step toward him.
Kiro's eyes widened.
“Don't fucking touch me.”
Martin stopped immediately.
Silence.
Except Kiro's breathing.
Fast.
Broken.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Martin stared at him.
Confused now.
And worried.
“Okay.”
Kiro squeezed his eyes shut.
Wrong.
Wrong voice.
Wrong kitchen.
Wrong men.
He knew that.
His body didn't.
“You can't do anything right.”
“Shut up.”
Martin looked toward the doorway.
“Kiro?”
“Not you.”
“What?”
Kiro pressed both paws against his head.
His lungs wouldn't fill.
They were filling.
Too much.
Too quickly.
He knew.
Couldn't stop.
The edges of the room started turning black.
No.
He knew this part.
“Kiro, slow down.”
Martin's voice was closer.
That made it worse.
“Don't tell me what to fucking do!”
The words exploded out of him.
Loud.
Angry.
Everything stopped.
Martin stared.
Kiro stared back.
And heard it.
His own voice.
Except it wasn't
For one horrible second it sounded exactly like his father.
Same sharp edge.
Same anger.
Same kitchen.
Kiro's face emptied.
“No.”
Martin frowned.
“What?”
Kiro backed against the counter harder.
“No, no...”
His breathing became even faster.
He had yelled at him.
He had sounded like him.
He was doing it.
He was becoming...
“No.”
“Kiro.”
“Shut up.”
Martin stayed still.
Kiro's vision narrowed.
Black spots.
Too much air.
Not enough air.
His fingers were completely numb.
Then Susie appeared in the doorway.
“Kiro?”
He turned toward her.
Or tried to.
The movement made the room tilt.
Susie's expression changed immediately.
“Oh, shit.”
Kiro grabbed the counter.
“I can't...”
She moved toward him.
Martin looked between them.
“What's happening?”
“Panic attack.”
“What do I...”
“Just give him space.”
Kiro tried to inhale again.
Too fast.
Nothing felt real anymore.
Susie stopped a few feet away.
“Kiro.”
He looked toward her voice.
Couldn't properly see her face.
“I sounded like him.”
Susie froze.
“What?”
“I fucking...”
Another breath.
“I sounded like him.”
“No.”
“I yelled.”
“Kiro.”
“I yelled at him.”
His knees felt wrong.
Soft.
Susie noticed.
“Sit down.”
“No.”
“Kiro, you're going to fall.”
“I'm fine.”
He wasn't.
The black spots spread.
Martin took one step forward without thinking.
Probably to catch him.
Kiro saw the movement.
Fast.
Toward him.
Kiro jerked backward.
His head struck the edge of the counter.
A hard crack.
White.
For half a second there was nothing.
Then the floor disappeared.
“Kiro!”
His legs folded.
Susie moved.
Martin moved too.
Neither reached him properly.
Kiro hit the tiles.
Then nothing.
Cold.
That was the first thing he noticed.
Something cold against the side of his head.
Then pain.
Deep.
Dull.
Annoying.
Kiro opened his eyes.
Ceiling.
Not his.
Susie's living room.
He blinked.
The couch beneath him.
Blanket over his legs.
Something cold pressed near his temple.
Kiro lifted one paw.
Susie caught it.
“Don't.”
He looked toward her.
She was sitting on the floor beside the couch.
Holding a folded wet towel against his head.
Her expression looked tired.
And pissed.
And relieved.
All at once.
“...Hi.”
Susie stared.
“Hi.”
Kiro swallowed.
His mouth felt dry.
“What happened?”
Susie raised an eyebrow.
Kiro remembered.
Cabinet.
Martin.
His voice.
The counter.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Kiro closed his eyes.
“Fuck.”
The side of his head throbbed.
He touched somewhere nearby.
Susie moved his paw away.
“You split it.”
“Bad?”
“Not horrible.”
Kiro opened his eyes again.
“That's reassuring.”
“You scared the shit out of us.”
His ears lowered.
“Sorry.”
Susie sighed.
“Of course.”
Kiro stared toward the ceiling.
His fingers slowly moved into the fur near his head.
He could feel old uneven places beneath it.
Old scars.
One near the forehead.
Another higher.
One closer to his temple.
Memories attached to some.
Nothing attached to others.
This would probably be another.
Fourth.
Maybe.
Kiro wasn't completely sure anymore.
“Great.”
Susie looked at him.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Footsteps.
Kiro went still.
Susie noticed immediately.
Martin appeared at the edge of the room.
He didn't come closer.
That helped.
A little.
He looked different now.
Not actually.
Kiro just wasn't seeing shadows over him anymore.
Martin leaned against the doorway.
“You awake?”
Kiro nodded.
“Apparently.”
Martin looked toward the towel.
Then toward Kiro's face.
“How's your head?”
“Attached.”
“Good start.”
Kiro almost smiled.
Almost.
Silence followed.
Martin looked uncomfortable.
That was strange.
Kiro had never really seen him uncomfortable before.
Finally:
“What happened there?”
Kiro's stomach tightened.
Susie looked toward him.
Not Martin.
Kiro stared at the blanket.
His first instinct came immediately.
Nothing.
I'm fine.
Just panic.
Doesn't matter.
Forget it.
He opened his mouth.
Nothing came out.
Susie noticed.
She adjusted the towel slightly.
Then quietly:
“You want to tell him?”
Kiro looked at her.
She continued.
“Or do you want me to?”
Martin stayed in the doorway.
Didn't interrupt.
Kiro looked down at his paws.
Easy answer.
Her.
Let Susie explain.
Let her say panic attacks.
Father.
Alcohol.
Whatever she thought Martin needed to know.
Then Kiro could sit there quietly.
Again.
Hide behind somebody who already knew.
His jaw tightened.
“No.”
Susie's ears moved.
Kiro swallowed.
“I'll...”
He stopped.
His throat felt tight again.
Not panic.
Just fear.
“I'll tell him.”
Susie nodded once.
“Okay.”
Martin waited.
Kiro stared at his paws.
For several seconds, nothing happened.
Then:
“I had a panic attack.”
Martin nodded slowly.
“I figured that part out.”
Kiro almost laughed.
It didn't quite happen.
“They can get...”
He rubbed his thumb against his palm.
“Bad.”
Martin glanced toward his head.
“Also figured that out.”
Kiro looked at him.
Martin wasn't smiling.
Not mocking.
Just trying to make this less impossible.
Kiro looked down again.
“My dad...”
There
The word.
His chest tightened.
Susie stayed beside him.
Kiro continued.
“He drank.”
Martin's expression changed slightly.
“When I was younger.”
A pause.
“He got aggressive.”
Kiro stared at the blanket.
“Mostly with my mom.”
Another pause.
“But...”
He struggled.
“It wasn't like I wasn't there.”
Martin remained quiet.
Kiro's paws tightened.
“He yelled.”
“At everyone.”
“At things.”
“At her.”
“Sometimes at me.”
His voice got quieter.
“And if I fucked something up...”
The kitchen came back.
Not fully.
Just enough.
His father standing too close.
The smell.
The voice.
Kiro blinked.
“He'd make sure I knew.”
Martin looked toward the kitchen.
Understanding slowly reached his face.
Kiro noticed.
“You didn't do anything.”
Martin looked back at him.
Kiro said it faster.
“You weren't doing anything wrong.”
“I know you weren't angry.”
A pause.
“That's the fucking part.”
Martin didn't answer.
Kiro rubbed his paw against the blanket.
“You told me I was moving the cabinet wrong.”
His ears lowered.
“And my head just...”
He gestured weakly.
“Changed you.”
Silence.
“You looked like him.”
Martin went completely still.
Kiro immediately looked ashamed.
“Not actually.”
“I know you're not.”
“I know that.”
His voice cracked slightly.
“But for a second I didn't.”
Susie looked down.
Martin breathed out slowly.
Kiro's eyes started burning.
He hated it.
He kept going anyway.
“And then I yelled at you.”
Martin frowned.
“Kiro...”
“I sounded like him.”
That sentence was harder than everything else.
Kiro looked directly at Martin right now.
“I heard him.”
Martin didn't say anything for a moment.
Kiro looked away.
“That's what really fucked me up.”
His paw tightened around the blanket.
“Because I keep thinking...”
He stopped.
Susie's eyes moved toward him.
Kiro swallowed.
“Every time I got jealous.”
“Or angry.”
“Or want somebody to listen.”
His voice became quieter.
“I think that's how it starts.”
Martin's face softened slightly.
Kiro hated that too.
“Like one day I yell.”
“Then I yell more.”
“Then maybe I start...”
He couldn't finish.
His eyes went toward Susie.
She understood.
Martin did too.
Kiro looked down.
“I don't want to be him.”
The room went quiet.
Martin finally pushed away from the doorway.
Kiro's shoulders tightened automatically.
Martin noticed.
Stopped.
Then stayed where he was.
Good.
“I wasn't there.”
Kiro looked at him.
“I don't know your father.”
A pause.
“And I'm not going to pretend I understand all of that.”
Kiro waited.
Martin looked toward the kitchen again.
Then back at him.
“But you yelled at me.”
Kiro's ears dropped.
“I know.”
Martin shrugged.
“So?”
Kiro stared.
“So?”
“Yeah.”
“I fucking screamed at you.”
“You were terrified.”
“That doesn't...”
Kiro stopped.
Martin continued.
“You didn't threaten me.”
“You didn't hit me.”
“You didn't throw anything at me.”
“You yelled.”
Kiro's expression tightened.
“That's still bad.”
“Sometimes.”
Martin shrugged.
“Sometimes people yell.”
Kiro stared at him.
That answer seemed almost offensive.
Martin looked slightly amused by his expression.
“I'm not saying it's great.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I'm saying you're allowed to be angry without turning into your father.”
Kiro went quiet.
Martin scratched the side of his face.
“And apparently you're allowed to be scared enough to yell at me too.”
Kiro looked toward Susie.
She was watching him.
Not smiling.
Not fixing anything.
Just there.
Kiro looked back at Martin.
“I told you to shut up.”
“Yeah.”
“Twice.”
“I survived.”
Kiro's mouth twitched.
Martin pointed toward his head.
“Counter did more damage than you did.”
Kiro touched near the towel again.
“Apparently.”
Another silence.
Then Martin looked more serious.
“Next time something I'm doing is getting to you...”
Kiro immediately looked uncomfortable.
Martin noticed.
“...you can tell me.”
Kiro gave him a tired look.
“I couldn't fucking speak.”
“Fair.”
Martin thought about it.
“Then leave the room.”
“I couldn't move either.”
“Also fair.”
Another pause.
Martin looked at Susie.
“Then she can throw something at me.”
Susie nodded.
“Finally.”
Kiro stared between them.
“What?”
Martin shrugged.
“We'll figure something out.”
Simple.
No speech.
No promise that it would never happen again.
Kiro liked that more.
He looked down.
“...Okay.”
Martin nodded.
“Okay.”
Then he glanced toward the kitchen.
“Cabinet's still crooked, by the way.”
Kiro stared at him.
Susie covered her mouth.
Martin's face remained completely serious.
For about two seconds.
Then Kiro laughed.
It hurt his head immediately.
“Ow. Fuck.”
Susie pushed the towel more firmly against him.
“Idiot.”
Kiro closed one eye.
“That actually fucking hurts.”
“Good.”
Martin stared back toward the kitchen.
Then stopped.
Looked at Kiro.
“You're not helping me finish it today.”
Kiro's first reaction came automatically.
“Sorry.”
Martin stared.
Kiro froze.
Susie slowly looked at him.
Kiro looked between them.
“...Fuck.”
Martin smiled slightly.
Then walked away.
Kiro leaned back into the couch.
The cold towel pressed against the newest cut on his head.
Probably another scar eventually.
Fourth.
Maybe.
He could hear Martin moving around in the kitchen again.
Cupboard.
Tools.
A quiet curse when something didn't fit.
Kiro's ears moved.
His shoulders tightened.
Then slowly relaxed again.
Susie noticed.
She didn't say anything.
Kiro listened.
Martin kept fixing the cabinet.
Nobody screamed.
Nothing broke.
Nobody got hurt.
Kiro closed his eyes.
The kitchen stayed exactly where it was.