KIRO’S STORY / CHAPTER 07 OF 36
Still
by hasira · about 15 min read
Rin called it a small birthday party.
That was the first lie.
Kiro stood in front of the mirror with both paws on his bow tie.
He had bought it that morning.
Just for tonight.
He adjusted it.
Too high.
Lower.
Crooked.
Straight again.
Kiro stared at himself.
“...Good enough.”
He almost took it off.
Then stopped.
No.
He was going.
Rin invited him.
That meant Rin wanted him there.
Probably.
Kiro grabbed his jacket and left before his head could argue.
The moment Rin opened the door, Kiro understood that they had very different definitions of small.
Music.
Talking.
Laughing.
People everywhere.
Not hundreds.
Not even close.
But enough.
Way too many.
Kiro stopped at the entrance.
Rin smiled at him.
“You came.”
Kiro looked past him.
Someone walked through the hallway carrying drinks.
Two people were arguing about something near the couch.
More voices came from the kitchen.
Kiro looked back at Rin.
“You said small.”
Rin glanced behind himself.
“It is small.”
“How many fucking friends do you have?”
Rin laughed.
“Come in.”
Kiro did.
His tail stayed close to his legs.
Rin noticed the bow tie almost immediately.
He stared.
Kiro's ears lowered.
“What?”
Rin smiled.
“You bought a fucking bow tie?”
“Shut up.”
“For my birthday?”
“I said shut up.”
Rin laughed harder.
Kiro pushed him lightly.
“Fuck you”
“It looks good.”
Kiro stopped.
“...Oh.”
Rin was still smiling.
“I'm serious.”
Kiro looked away.
“Whatever.”
But his paw touched the bow tie again.
Just to make sure it was straight.
For the first twenty minutes, Kiro stayed close to Rin.
Not obviously.
At least he hoped not.
If Rin walked into the kitchen, Kiro eventually ended up there too.
If Rin joined another conversation, Kiro stayed close enough to listen.
He smiled when somebody looked at him.
Laughed when he was supposed to.
Answered questions.
He looked fine.
Inside, every voice felt slightly too loud.
Every movement caught his eyes.
Someone touched his shoulder while passing.
Kiro's entire body tensed.
Nobody noticed.
Good.
Then Rin disappeared into another conversation.
Kiro stayed where he was.
Alone.
Just for a minute.
That should have been fine.
Another person said something.
Kiro couldn't understand the words.
He turned slightly.
“What...?”
The room changed.
Not completely.
Just enough.
The walls became dark.
Then the people.
Faces lost their details.
Eyes.
Mouths.
Clothes.
Everything became black shapes with white outlines.
Kiro blinked.
Nothing returned.
The music was still playing.
He knew it was.
But it sounded far away now.
Wrong.
Like it was coming through several walls.
Someone beside him spoke.
Their mouth moved.
No words came out.
Only noise.
Shapes changed their outlines into red.
Another shape turned toward him.
Then another.
Then another.
Everyone was looking at him.
They had to be.
They're talking about you.
Kiro didn't move.
You don't belong here.
One of the shadows laughed.
Kiro couldn't tell why.
They noticed.
His glass stayed frozen between his paws.
His breathing became so shallow it was almost nothing.
The room stretched.
The crowd became one black mass.
No faces anymore.
Only heads turned toward him.
Watching.
Kiro stared at one point at wall.
He stopped blinking.
Stopped moving.
For Kiro, it lasted forever.
For Rin, maybe fifteen seconds.
Rin noticed him from across the room.
“Kiro?”
Nothing.
His smile disappeared.
Rin pushed past two people.
“Kiro.”
Nothing.
He stepped directly in front of him.
Kiro's eyes didn't follow.
Rin slowly reached out and touched his shoulder.
“Kiro?”
Everything came back at once.
Light.
Music.
Faces.
Noise.
Kiro gasped.
The glass nearly slipped from his paws.
He stumbled backward.
Rin caught his arm.
“Hey. It's me.”
Kiro stared at him.
His eyes were wide.
“What...?”
Rin lowered his voice.
“It's me.”
Kiro looked around.
People.
A room.
Music.
His heart started pounding.
“Where...”
He looked at Rin again.
“Where am I?”
Rin's expression changed.
“Okay.”
Kiro pulled his arm back.
“What the fuck is this?”
“My house.”
Kiro stared.
Rin pointed toward the hallway.
“My birthday. Remember?”
Kiro looked down.
Bow tie.
Drink.
His clothes.
Something returned.
Not enough.
“Oh.”
Rin watched him carefully.
“Come with me.”
“I'm fine.”
“Yeah, no.”
“Rin.”
“Come on.”
This time Kiro didn't argue.
Rin took him into a small spare bedroom.
Quiet. Away from the music.
Kiro sat on the edge of the bed.
Rin opened the window slightly.
“Stay here.”
Kiro immediately looked up.
“Where are you going?”
“Water.”
“Oh.”
Rin stopped at the door.
“I'm coming back.”
Kiro's ears lowered.
“I know.”
Rin left.
Kiro stared at the floor.
His paws were shaking now.
He grabbed them together.
“Stop.”
The door opened.
Kiro looked up too quickly.
Not Rin.
A badger stood there.
Loose green plaid shirt.
Baggy jeans.
Messy black hair, short enough to stay around her jaw.
Curly in places.
She held a bottle of water.
Kiro stared.
She stopped.
“...Hi.”
Kiro blinked.
“Hi.”
“Rin sent me.”
She lifted the bottle slightly.
“He got distracted because somebody can't find the cake knife.”
Kiro looked at the water.
“Oh.”
She walked closer and placed it near his paw.
“I'm Susan.”
A small pause.
“Susie's fine.”
“Kiro.”
“I know.”
Kiro looked at her.
Susie smiled slightly.
“Rin mentioned you.”
Something uncomfortable moved inside Kiro's chest.
Not bad.
That was the problem.
Kiro looked away.
“Probably nothing good.”
“Mostly that you're an asshole.”
“Yeah, that sounds right.”
Susie laughed.
Small.
Kiro liked the sound.
Immediately.
Don't.
His expression changed.
Susie noticed.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
Too fast.
Kiro grabbed the bottle.
His claws struggled slightly with the cap.
Susie reached toward it.
“Want me to...”
“No.”
She stopped immediately.
“Okay.”
Kiro finally opened it.
Took a drink.
Susie sat on the chair across from him.
Not beside him.
Kiro appreciated that.
He looked at her again.
Green plaid.
Messy hair.
One curl hanging over her eye.
She pushed it away.
Something warm moved through Kiro's chest
Don't.
His grip tightened around the bottle.
For half a second, Susie disappeared.
A phone was in his paw.
Old messages.
Can I talk to you?
Another.
I really need you right now.
Another.
You're the only person who understands.
Hours listening.
Hours reassuring.
Hours trying to help.
Then Kiro typing something about himself.
His own problem.
His own bad night.
A reply hours later.
sorry
And immediately after:
anyway can I call you?
Kiro blinked.
Susie was still there.
Looking at him.
Concerned.
His stomach dropped.
You know how this ends.
“No.”
Susie frowned.
“What?”
Kiro froze.
“...Nothing.”
His heart sped up.
Not again.
Susie leaned forward slightly.
“Kiro?”
He looked at her.
That made it worse.
She was worried.
She was being nice.
He liked that.
He hated that he liked it.
Don't get attached.
Kiro looked toward the door.
Rin wasn't back yet.
His breathing changed.
Susie noticed.
“Hey.”
“I'm fine.”
“Kiro, you're breathing really fast.”
“I said I'm fine.”
His voice came out sharper than he meant.
Susie stopped.
“...Sorry.”
His chest tightened.
That familiar burning.
“No.”
His fingers started tingling.
Then his paws.
Kiro put the water down before he dropped it.
“No, no, no...”
Susie stood.
“I'll get Rin.”
“Don't leave.”
She stopped.
Kiro looked at her.
Realized what he had said.
His face changed.
“Fuck.”
Susie stayed anyway.
The door opened.
Rin came in carrying another glass of water.
He saw Kiro.
Stopped.
“Shit.”
The glass immediately went onto the desk.
Kiro had one paw pressed against his chest.
“I can't...”
Rin crouched in front of him.
“Kiro. Look at me.”
Kiro tried.
His eyes couldn't stay still.
His breathing was already too fast.
Short.
Shallow.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Rin reached for one of his paws.
Kiro grabbed him back immediately.
Hard.
Rin didn't say anything about it.
He just held on.
“Kiro. It's me.”
“I fucking know.”
“Good.”
“I can't breathe.”
“You are breathing.”
“It doesn't fucking feel like it.”
“I know.”
Rin didn't actually know.
Not like this.
Kiro had told him about the attacks before.
The burning.
The numb paws.
His heart suddenly racing.
Sometimes feeling like he was going to die.
Sometimes actually passing out.
Rin knew all of that.
Or he thought he did.
Knowing about it was different from sitting directly in front of him while it happened.
Kiro's fingers tightened around his paw.
Rin adjusted his grip.
Two fingers rested against Kiro's wrist.
Then he felt it.
His pulse.
Rin's stomach dropped.
Fast.
Way too fucking fast.
For half a second, something changed in his face.
Kiro didn't notice.
Good.
Rin forced it away.
He didn't want Kiro seeing him panic too.
“You're okay.”
Kiro shook his head.
“No.”
“You've done this before.”
“I know.”
“And it stopped before.”
“I KNOW.”
His voice cracked.
Another breath.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Rin kept holding his paw.
Kiro's claws extended without him noticing.
One pressed against Rin's paw.
Rin didn't pull away.
“Stay with me.”
“I can't...”
“Yeah, you can.”
“Rin...”
“I'm here.”
Susie stayed near the wall.
Close enough to help.
Far enough not to crowd him.
Kiro looked toward her.
Then at Rin.
Then somewhere behind both of them.
His eyes stopped focusing.
Susie said something.
Kiro couldn't understand her.
Her voice stretched into noise.
The room became too bright.
Then too dark.
Rin squeezed his paw.
“Kiro.”
Black dots appeared around the edges of everything.
Not here.
“No...”
Rin felt Kiro's grip weaken.
“Kiro?”
Kiro tried to answer.
Nothing came out.
His body tilted forward.
“Kiro.”
His knees gave out.
Rin moved immediately.
He caught Kiro under the arms before his head could hit the floor.
“Fuck!”
Susie rushed closer.
“Kiro?”
Rin lowered him carefully.
Kiro didn't respond.
For one horrible second, Rin just stared at him.
Then he noticed his breathing.
A few seconds earlier, Kiro had been dragging in breath after breath.
Fast.
Broken.
Like none of it was enough.
Now...
one slow breath.
Then another.
Normal.
Almost instantly.
Rin stared.
“What the fuck...”
Susie crouched nearby.
“Is he breathing?”
“Yeah.”
Another calm breath.
His chest rose.
Fell.
Rose again.
Like his body had simply switched the panic off the moment Kiro lost consciousness.
Rin found his pulse again.
Still fast.
But already slowing.
“Okay.”
His own voice sounded wrong.
He swallowed.
“Okay.”
Susie looked at him.
Rin knew he wasn't convincing either of them.
He looked down at Kiro.
Completely still now.
Breathing normally.
That was almost worse.
A moment ago he had looked like he was fighting for air.
Now he looked asleep.
Rin kept hold of his paw.
“Come on, man.”
Nothing.
“Don't fucking do this.”
Kiro came back a couple of minutes later.
Sound first.
Music somewhere outside the room.
Muffled voices.
Someone laughing.
Then light.
Then something soft underneath him.
He opened his eyes.
Ceiling.
Not his ceiling.
Kiro stared at it.
Someone was holding his paw.
He looked down.
Rin.
Sitting beside the bed.
One paw wrapped around Kiro's paw.
Two fingers resting against his wrist.
Kiro blinked.
“...Rin?”
Rin looked at him immediately.
For just a second, relief showed on his face.
Then it disappeared.
“Hey.”
Kiro frowned.
“What...”
His voice was dry.
Rin leaned slightly closer.
“Don't move yet.”
Kiro looked around.
Dark hoodie over a chair.
Clothes on the floor.
Cables beside the desk.
Rin's room.
Susie was sitting nearby.
She gave him a small smile when she noticed he was properly awake.
“Hi again.”
Kiro stared at her.
Then back at Rin.
“What happened?”
Rin didn't answer immediately.
He was still watching Kiro's face.
Still feeling his pulse.
“Kiro.”
“What?”
“You know where you are?”
Kiro looked around again.
“...Your room.”
“Good.”
Rin's fingers stayed against his wrist.
“You know why you're here?”
Kiro opened his mouth.
Nothing.
Then pieces returned.
The party.
Too many people.
The room turning black.
Susie.
His chest.
Rin holding his paw.
The floor moving.
Nothing.
Kiro's ears lowered.
“Oh.”
Rin watched him.
“You passed out.”
Silence.
Kiro looked down at their paws.
“What are you doing?”
“Checking.”
“Checking what?”
“Your pulse.”
Kiro stared at him.
Rin shrugged slightly.
“It was fucking ridiculous before.”
Kiro looked away.
“Oh.”
Rin felt another few beats.
Still quicker than normal.
But nowhere near what it had been.
His shoulders relaxed slightly.
Kiro noticed.
“You were scared.”
“No.”
“Rin.”
“No.”
“You look scared.”
“I look tired.”
“It's your birthday.”
Rin stared at him.
Kiro's face changed.
The sentence seemed to remind him of everything at once.
The music outside.
People still talking.
Rin sitting here instead of with them.
Susie still in the room.
Kiro slowly pushed himself upright.
Rin immediately moved closer.
“Easy.”
“I'm fine.”
“You were unconscious like two minutes ago.”
“I'm fine.”
“Kiro.”
“I'm...”
His voice broke.
He stopped.
Then he heard someone laugh outside.
The party was still going.
His stomach dropped.
“Oh my fucking God.”
He covered his face with his free paw.
Rin kept his fingers against Kiro's wrist.
“Kiro.”
“I'm sorry.”
There it was.
Rin sighed.
“For what?”
“I fucking passed out at your birthday.”
“Yeah.”
“You had to bring me in here.”
“Yeah.”
“You had to fucking sit here with me.”
Rin glanced down at his own paw.
“Currently still doing that.”
“Exactly.”
“Kiro.”
“And Susie had to stay too.”
Kiro looked toward her.
His face immediately became warm.
“...I'm sorry.”
Susie frowned.
“For what?”
“For this.”
She looked around.
Then back at him.
“This?”
Kiro gestured vaguely toward himself.
“All of this.”
Rin felt Kiro's pulse speed up slightly again.
Not like before.
But enough.
“Hey.”
Kiro looked at him.
“Don't start.”
“Start what?”
“Doing that thing where you apologize until you make yourself worse.”
“I'm not.”
“You are.”
“I'm sorry.”
Rin stared at him.
Kiro froze.
“...Fuck.”
Susie covered her mouth.
A tiny laugh escaped anyway.
Kiro looked at her.
She immediately looked guilty.
“Sorry.”
For half a second, Kiro almost smiled.
Then his head caught up.
Don't.
His eyes moved away.
Susie noticed.
She didn't ask.
Rin checked Kiro's pulse again.
Kiro looked down.
“Seriously?”
“Yes.”
“You're still checking?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Rin gave him a look.
“Because five minutes ago your heart felt like a fucking machine gun.”
“It gets fast.”
“I know.”
“I told you.”
“You said fast.”
Rin stared at him.
“You didn't say I was gonna feel it trying to escape through your wrist.”
Kiro almost laughed.
Instead his eyes started burning.
Rin noticed that too.
His voice became quieter.
“Hey.”
Kiro shook his head.
“I'm sorry.”
“Stop.”
“I ruined your birthday.”
“You didn't.”
“You left everyone because of me.”
“I walked into another room.”
“Because of me.”
“Yes.”
Kiro looked at him.
Rin didn't take it back.
“Because you're my friend and you collapsed.”
Kiro swallowed.
His breathing became uneven.
Not another attack.
Just emotion.
Rin kept watching him anyway.
“It's your birthday.”
“And?”
“You should be out there.”
“I'm where I want to be.”
Kiro stared at him.
Rin stared back.
No joke this time.
Kiro looked away first.
Then toward Susie.
“And you...”
Susie raised an eyebrow.
“What about me?”
“You didn't have to stay.”
“I know.”
Kiro hesitated.
“You could've gone back.”
“I know.”
“Then why...”
Susie shrugged.
“I wanted to stay.”
Kiro stopped.
“Oh.”
Something warm moved through his chest.
Different.
Softer.
That was almost worse.
Don't.
He stared down at the blanket.
“I'm sorry.”
Rin squeezed his paw once.
“Kiro.”
“What?”
“Please shut the fuck up.”
Kiro gave a broken little laugh.
“Great emotional support.”
“I'm doing my best.”
“Clearly.”
“You're alive enough to insult me. That's progress.”
Susie smiled.
Kiro wiped quickly at one eye before either of them could mention it.
Nobody did.
A few minutes passed.
Rin never fully stopped watching him.
Sometimes his eyes went to Kiro's chest.
Sometimes his face.
Sometimes his paw.
Kiro noticed every single time.
Eventually he sighed.
“Can you stop looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like I'm gonna fucking explode.”
Rin raised an eyebrow.
“You kind of did.”
“I passed out.”
“After trying to inhale the entire room.”
Kiro rolled his eyes.
“Fuck you.”
“There he is.”
Kiro almost smiled again.
His breathing was completely normal now.
The numbness was gone.
His paws had stopped shaking.
Around fifteen minutes after the attack, he looked almost normal.
Like nothing had happened.
That was the strangest part for Rin.
He reached for Kiro's wrist again.
Kiro looked down.
“Oh my God.”
“Hold still.”
“I'm conscious.”
“Congratulations.”
“Rin.”
“Five seconds.”
Kiro sighed dramatically.
But he let him.
Rin found the pulse.
Waited.
One beat.
Another.
Another.
Normal.
His breathing had become normal almost immediately after he collapsed.
Now his heart finally matched it.
Rin stayed there for another few seconds anyway.
Then let go.
Kiro watched his face.
“Well?”
Rin leaned back.
“Normal.”
“See?”
Rin stared at him.
“What?”
“That's fucking insane.”
Kiro frowned.
“What is?”
“You.”
“Thanks.”
“I'm serious.”
Rin looked at his wrist again.
“Fifteen minutes ago your heart felt like it was trying to punch through your skin.”
Kiro looked down.
“And now you're just sitting here.”
“Yeah.”
“Like nothing happened.”
Kiro shrugged.
“Mostly.”
Rin was quiet.
Then he shook his head.
“I knew you got attacks.”
Kiro nodded.
“I knew your heart went fast.”
“Yeah.”
“I knew you sometimes passed out.”
“Yeah.”
Rin looked at him.
“But actually seeing it...”
A pause.
“Fuck.”
Kiro didn't answer.
Rin rubbed the back of his neck.
“I don't even wanna know what that feels like.”
“Probably better that way.”
“Definitely.”
Another pause.
Then Rin looked at him differently.
Not pity.
Something closer to disbelief.
Maybe respect.
“You usually deal with that alone?”
Kiro shrugged.
“Usually.”
Rin stared at him.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“That's bullshit.”
Rin sighed.
“I just...”
He stopped.
Tried again.
“You handle it better than I would.”
Kiro blinked.
“I passed out.”
“Yeah.”
“This isn't exactly a success story.”
“I know.”
Rin pointed vaguely toward him.
“But you're sitting here fifteen minutes later making shitty jokes and arguing with me.”
Kiro looked down.
“For me that's normal.”
Rin's expression changed slightly.
That sentence stayed with him.
Normal.
Rin wasn't sure whether that was impressive or horrible.
Probably both.
For once, Kiro didn't apologize.
A few seconds passed.
Then Susie leaned forward slightly.
“By the way...”
Kiro looked at her.
She pointed toward his neck.
“It actually looks good.”
Kiro froze.
His bow tie.
Still there.
Crooked.
Half undone.
Rin looked at Kiro.
Then at Susie.
Then slowly smiled.
Kiro's ears went completely flat.
“Don't.”
Susie blinked.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Kiro pulled the bow tie loose.
His face was burning.
Rin's smile got worse.
Kiro pointed at him.
“Don't you fucking start.”
“I didn't say anything.”
“You were going to.”
“I absolutely was.”
Susie laughed.
Kiro looked down.
He hated how much he liked hearing it.
Don't.
He pulled the bow tie off completely.
Held it in his paws for a moment.
Then folded it once.
Carefully.
And put it in his pocket.